Anger is actually great!

I think anger is misunderstood. Anger, like any emotion, is an alert that attention and investigation is needed. I understand why people put in so much effort to tame it or rid themselves of it all together. Personally, I love my anger and I wish other thoughtful people did too.

Maybe this is common knowledge, but I didn't have permission to be angry until I was an adult, so I had to discover all this myself. My anger, or really anything other than submission, was met with violence or punishment. So, it felt quite spiritual to encounter this idea alone, even though it's not original or unique. It's not extremely clear when the shift occurred, but I know that after I moved out on my own I became my own person and stopped stifling my rage. It felt holy and righteous to withhold forgiveness and let my rage rest within me unbridled. Not only that, but it protected me and gifted me the confidence I needed to stand up for myself. I grew to really hate the idea that holding onto anger and not forgiving others is harmful to your “soul” and body. I thought it was absurd, because I found no traces of that within myself. Actually, I felt more empowered than ever. I learned to use rage when I needed it and turn it off when I didn't. In situations when I have no confidence or strength-my tiger, Anger, is with me. When I'm safe and at home, it sleeps. I do my best not to let Anger make decisions for me, but to help me behave how I need to at a given time. To me, rage and anger are tools that, if wielded correctly, can lend me strength I have never been capable of. Kind of like in Demon Slayer when Tanjiro is training with the Stone Hashira Gyomei Himejima. It's common to see this technique of harnessing rage as a tool in the media, but it feels holy to stumble upon it and feel its full value yourself.

Love and Hate

I hated a couple people who were no good to me, naturally. My Anger bred hatred for them. The only effort I ever put into letting go of that hatred was fueled by a song. It's a lovely song called Odiame by Julio Jaramillo. The part that got me was:

Si tú me odias quedare yo convencido

De que me amaste mujer con insistencia

Pero ten presente de acuerdo a la experiencia

Que tan sólo se odia lo querido

Pero ten presente de acuerdo a la experiencia

Que tan sólo se odia lo querido

It's basically saying that he knows a woman truly loved him because of her hatred for him now. Of course, it doesn't apply to everything that you could hate but probably never loved, like politicians or war. But for many people in my life, this applied. After thinking about this song for a while, I realized that hatred and love are two sides of the same coin. On top of that, it disgusted me to consider that I hated a couple of people because I loved them at some point. The idea that I ever loved them was revolting. I could not help loving them when I did, but I did not want to have any connection to them at all anymore—not even hatred. I wanted cold indifference. Somehow, that is worse than hatred in my head. Imagine someone you loved not really caring if you lived or died—does it hurt? Anyway, that is why I pursued pruning my great sequoia tree of anger to remove branches grown for them. It took time, patience, and Buddhism, but we got there.

Informants

My friend Anger and his evolution Rage are a tiger to me. My other emotions are other animals (furries rise up). Fear is a deer. Joy is a bird. It's kinda silly honestly. In my head, all my emotions are my informants and council members, but emotionless Amaris sits at the center calling the shots. I allow them all the space and feel their heaviness when they call for it, but I alone make decisions. At least, that's how I try to operate—it doesn't always go that way. Sometimes I let the deer make decisions unconsciously.

Fin

Anyways... I do wonder how companionship with my tiger will change me and my journey. Only future Amaris knows. For now, we are inseparable.