Furries

The very first day I ever logged onto VR chat, I met a guy who gave me a tour of all the best and worst parts of VRChat. I remember saying some nonsense like "Yeah in 3 months you'll be a furry" and then proceeded to not long on for months. When I got back on, we linked up again and by then he was in fact a furry. I also learned he was a personal trainer.

I think the preamble is funny, but doesn't have much to do with the rest of what I want to say. Under the influence of a VRChat furry and being primed by tiktok muscle mommies, I got my first gym membership. I poured over the Google Maps images of the gym for weeks out of fear of looking like a fool and being somewhere unfamiliar and new. It was a scary new journey! My furry friend gave me a routine to try out- and I did. I was super into it for months out of a drive for vanity.

Life Be Like

Then Life happened. I was stalked by dangerous men one too many times (one with a knife lol) and went hermit mode for several months. Ran several states away and didn't even have the courage to get my own groceries- I relied on Instacart. I lost my grip of reality and found a therapist when I was in the worst mental state I had ever experienced. It was more terrifying than I have words or strength to describe and this time has permanently marked me. It is in everything I do.

Time Skip

Fast forward a few years, and I've found the courage to return to the gym. All my gains withered away and I had to start from scratch again- but this time it felt deeply spiritual. Having lost my sense of personhood, strength, and self-sufficiency fucked me up really good. While in hermit mode I had no interest in anything except being on full alert 24/7 to ensure I live. So, when I found my way back, lifting weights was not as simple as lifting weights. I was a different person from the last time I exerted myself with the goal of getting stronger.

This time, it meant taking back everything men had stolen from me. It meant building brute strength that I could base my confidence in if I had to fight for my life again. It felt like a fervernt prayer from within the eye of a hurricane to move this body while knowing many people like me did not survive like I did. Being in the gym feels like being in a temple and asking God (me) for the strength to continue. It feels like trudging up a mountain. Its hard, tiring, and not always what I want to do, but future me is always proud and my God always hears my prayers. It became a self-actualizing ritual.

In Review

I also don't think I could ever see fitness this way if I didn't experience what I did. It makes me sad that something like this could have come from the worst time of my life, but at least I am taking my life back while I can. To this day I would do anything to have never experienced what I did, but I cannot and I am forced to accept awful people have affected the course of my life. All I can do now is live for myself while I can.