The big effects of small things

I think a lot about the way life plays out. The smallest things like the way the wind blows or the look in someone's eyes can determine life or death, or nothing at all.

I find myself wondering if leaving the house 10 seconds later might lead me to a very messy meeting with an air bag, or if going for a run around the wrong block a moment too early could bring me back to playing the role of the prey. I know it's probably not healthy to think about as much as I do. Most of what has happened to me this far has always been some sort of wrong place at the wrong time dilemma, and those events have clearly changed me on a fundamental level. I do carry guilt knowing I put myself in the wrong place at the wrong time knowing the way the world is, but each time it was the perfect storm. That's fate, I suppose.

Luck

At least I've had a chance at life- prisons and hospitals are full of people who never got a fair shot and were ill fated from birth. I'm not very special, but with all of this in my head I do feel like the luckiest person I have ever met. I guess I just feel lucky knowing that if any one thing was different, I might not be writing this. Why me? Why did I not die in a bloody mess that night like countless other girls have? Why was I able to escape the other times? I can only chalk it up to fate or dumb luck. I don't know, but I genuinely can't believe I am still here, and part of me always lives in fear knowing how close the end could be at any given moment. Any one thing can cause the end of me, no matter how strong I get. It would be something if one day I get to choose what takes me out, and I think that too would be fate.

Until then, I can't help but deeply appreciate every slight breeze and star filled sky. Every bird song and every quiet night is mine to enjoy. Life, despite how awful and atrocious it can be, is something I will not let go of until I am forced to and I will do anything to protect it. It's funny to say that after sharing how scared I am of dying all the time- it seems contradictory but I think anyone that has had one too many close calls has experienced this. I don't really know what the point of this post is, except that I find myself angry at and thankful for fate lately.