Suggested supplemental listening i am very sorry to be writing this at all. both sorry for you and me. if i could pay someone to rid myself of this weight, i would.

i find myself constantly floating between "this is the music you chose. fucking dance!" and a nasty concoction of self pity, rage, and sadness. how overwhelmingly stupid it feels to find myself in this state over and over again. it's disgusting.

i'm hoping that by writing this and then going on a run i can rid myself of it a little more. i am also 97% sure you will never see this- i don't think you forgot about me but i do think you have buried me inside yourself. so, because of how unlikely you are to see this, i'm going to say everything i will never be able to tell you.

somehow, at the lowest point in my life, you were there. you saw me weep, you saw me at my lowest. and i took it further and opened myself up to you. you did too, of course. it wasn't trauma bonding, but you will always have a choke hold on me for being there when i was terrified to go outside, and staying up with me because i was too scared to go to sleep. you were a quiet night in a forest under a full moon.

and then the tides changed and you were gone. i understand why you're gone, and you're busier now. i understand you found everything i could not provide, and part of me is filled with peace because of that. but that's a big reason why i felt so abandoned- you found love and left me behind. you made me hate men so much more.

i can also admit i had a lot to do with the tides changing and you disappearing. i saw you drifting away and instead of coming along on your journey, i ran the other way. i pushed you out the second i saw things changing, i am fully aware i drove the knife deeper. seeing you get smaller and smaller on the horizon felt like losing part of me to fate. i knew this would happen, remember?

i know, this is a me-problem. a self inflicted wound that just wont heal. i cannot talk to you without being overwhelmed with sadness and anger, or like i just got swept up into a sharknado. i feel it so intensely and manage to say nothing. for what, anyway? it's not like things will ever be the same, or like it will change anything. there's nothing you can do to alleviate this pain.

you left me with an embarrassing inability to call any other man a "friend". I refuse to tell anyone new about myself, my pain, or my journey. not even people who are kind and gentle and well meaning. i wish we were still friends- you were one of the coolest motherfuckers ever. i can practically hear you saying we are still friends, but in my eyes we're more like strangers now. i remember purposely wanting to change myself so you couldn't recognize me ever again. how pathetic i am.

on the off chance you read this, i'm sorry i didn't hide it better. you do not owe me any apologies, or your time. you owe me nothing. i'm just venting in hopes it can help end the haunt.