Camping

I went camping with my partner recently. It was really fun because it wasn't true camping. We had running water, a heater, a sofa - the works. But I did have little cellular service and lots of books on my kindle. Here's a summary:

1. We grilled lunch and dinner, I grilled an orange to see if it was as good as grilled pineapple (it's fine).
2. We did a lot of hiking / trail walking. We saw natural springs and tried to go kayaking on them but it was too late.
3. The camping spot was only a bortle class 4, yet I wanted to cry when I looked up into the sky full of distant planets and stars.
4. Terrible time sleeping and falling asleep. Being anywhere but home when I must be unconscious is not an easy undertaking for me. Even then, every night is a fight. But the days were good so it was worth the trade off.

Extreme Ownership

I am reading "The Jakarta Method" and "Thinking Through Fashion", but the former was too depressing and the latter was too dense and kept putting me to sleep. So, I pulled up a book I've had on the backlog for years and gave it a shot out of sheer boredom. It's called Extreme Ownership and is written by Navy SEALs. I am not extremely fond of the military, but there are solid concepts in the book and I respect their endurance/determination.

When I first started working, I knew my hands were never clean of any failure around me. However, this book took it to an extreme (pun intended) I didn't know existed. It really resonated with me given my current side project situation. Everything that has gone wrong was my fault alone. My frustration was misplaced.

There was no regular cadence, I was not using our task/ticket system (which negatively impacted progress), we had no formal deadlines. One of our clients freaked out and started doing our work for us, because I failed to explain critical basic concepts upon intake. I had been sad about performance, and the wound was self inflicted.

It is a harrowing, heavy burden, but it is far easier to change my own habits than those of others. If I was the problem, then I was also the solution. I can fix it. A core belief I have is that the only things I cannot do are those which physics demands I cannot do. I can figure this shit out and I will be better. The dream I have for our team is within reach and I will take us there. I just need more time!

Improvements

I've already apologized to my team and outlined my failures and fixes. Processes and deadlines are in place to mitigate the chances of me fucking up again. It's inevitable, but all I can do is take it on the chin, improve, and keep going. We got this.